I have been thinking a lot lately about graduating.  For some reason, I have been coming across many photos of SLA's first graduation and it is making me so excited and nervous at the same time!  I keep wondering what it's going to feel like standing at TFI with parents clapping and gazing upon us in joy.  I wonder how many of us are going to cry, and whether any of us will keep in touch long after high school has ended.  After four years, we have all changed so much in our own, unique ways.  Each and everyone of us have grown up and discovered ourselves.  Whether we dealt with a terrible break-up or failed a few classes, we have determined our strengths and weaknesses through experience.  And I think that's what high school is all about. 

A part of me is scared to start a new chapter of my life.  It feels like this graduation, which is happening in a little over two months, marks the defining line between childhood and adulthood.  And I'm not so sure if I am ready for it.  But I guess I kind of have to be, right?

I was freaking out this morning. I couldn't find my phone. I was running all over the house like a headless chicken looking for it. I traced all my steps and looked at all the places where I was last night at my house. I searched under the couch, in the living room, in my bed, all over my desk; which is piled with junk, in the kitchen, in my backpack, and in my suitcase. I just simply couldn't find it. I wanted to call it, but nobody else was home and I don't have a home phone. I was pacing back and forth thinking of how dumb I was. This always happens to me. I was really frustrated with myself and started looking furiously for my phone. It wasn't even a good search I was just hopelessly trying to find it. I was looking in places where I knew my phone wouldn't be. This is my angry search. I look in all these pointless places, throw papers and other shit around, curse to myself, and never find my phone. It's a huge waste of time and not efficient in any way, shape, or form. After about 45 minutes I went to my bed to just lay down and relax. I went to get under my covers and in the process disturbed my cat who hissed and ran away. I discovered that the entire time she was laying on my phone. I was so glad I found it and am in a much better mood now.

Tiresome... Life is tiresome.

Today was great until the end. I went to poetry and that was fun, we had this ode prompt and I started a poem:
Through all the cries of laughter from children playing in the water hydrant
Through neighbors driving around the block on their four wheelers
Through the roar of the train, speeding over its centipede legs that straddle the
street below
Through the complaining from my sister about WHATEVER we have to eat which is
all part of this complete breakfast
Through all the beautifully tragic,
all the awe-inspiring jubilance,
And through the amusement park of true grit that is our humanity,
I always count on the humble, honest rhythm of a workmen’s hammer
to put my mind at ease.

That feeling of repetition, of building something bigger than ourselves without
having to think about it
without asking for recognition
so admirable it pales in comparison to any man with a masters degree in social
work.
The most beautiful part is that you don’t know.
And you can be proud when you read this, but don't let it change you
Cause that's what keeps you beautiful.

You hold the sun on your back and the world on your shoulders
and that sweat that drips off your chin keeps us well oiled and functioning
that's what makes me salivate when I walk by, I just hope you stop long enough to
see me.
You make the word masculine look… so… good.

You keep your head pointed down, your eyes at your feet
but you never had to think to keep your head held high.
There’s a reason people walk small when in your presence
they’re afraid of you.
They’ll scoff and cross an el car just to get away from you
intimidated by what they’ve never known
Unfamiliar with the stench of real work.
But remember that real men sweat and only boys cry when they get filthy.
so if a stuck-up girl sticks her nose up at you
bring your salty funk covered self over here
I'll lick the dirt off your armpits
cause boy you deserve it

I still have a lot to do, it gets overly wordy and irritates me in a lot of places. But yeah so mostly my day was good until I got home and my neighbors came over. I have been dealing with a lot lately and a lot of people all year have been trying to tell me what is best for me, which mostly I can ignore but because this week and last were so bad it's getting to me a lot more. So my neighbors came over and asked me if I was still dating Sam, they said I should leave him cause it's been "too long" and all this stuff, I tried to ignore that. But then later on they were talking to me about like... whether or not I was going to become a lesbian at bryn mawr? Like they were like "Freda you never know you have to keep your mind open to these things." And I was just thinking... you... are such an asshole. My two neighbors are gay... so I guess that makes them think they have license to say these things to people? What the hell? Look I've dealt with people calling me a lesbian, or asking if I was, or calling me dyke or asking if I was a boy for a long long time, but I usually expect that from school and from the kids outside, not my own friends and neighbors or relatives. It's really bullshit and I'm really tired of it. So I tried explaining that no, I'm not going experiment, not because I'm not open but just because I'm simply not bi or lesbian. And they insisted that I wouldn't know this. And I'm like "Oh yes... I wouldn't know if my own self was attracted to females... but you would. Yes that makes a whole lot of sense. I even went with my normal comedic comeback which is that, if I was bi, I'd be out about it, because I'd get to have twice the sexual partner possibilities... but unfortunately I'm not. But not even that worked! So eventually they left me alone about that with a kind of "you'll figure it out" feeling about them. But so then later... my great uncle came over too and they were all asking me about what I want to do after college like as my job. I told them I wanted to be an english teacher. I held my breath. They all fucking freaked out "it's a waist of someone so smart" "a waste of a good mind" "you'll never make any money" "You're going to get burnt out" "you're going to be working with a ton of brats" "you are much smarter than that" "english teachers are a dime a dozen" Once again, just as before with the whole Sam thing. FUCK YOU. Seriously, fuck off. I'm tired of this shit so much. Ever since I decided I wanted to be a teacher everyone has been up in arms about it "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE AN ENGINEER!?" Yeah well I did my ILP at an engineering firm, voted best office to work at IN THE CITY and you know what, it fucking sucked. It was the most boring thing I've ever dealt with in my life. You know what else, I love English more than anything, I love books, I love writing, I love helping people, and now that I've been an SAT I fucking love teaching too, so shut the hell up. These people who tell me what to do about Sam or about my job? They have shitty jobs, they complain about them every day, and most of them haven't been in a relationship longer than 2 years even though they're like 40. I've been in one for over 3 and a half years and fought less then you in your lame ass 1 and a half year joke of a relationship ok? You know what else? Teaching is never going to be boring and I'm gonna have summers off and saturdays and so... whatever dude. Have fun working for AARP... losers.

We made a quick run to Cvs tonight, i'm in a strange and hyper place that may or may not be medicine or lack there of related. annnnyway I ended up sprinting past patricia at break neck speeds (did i say that right?) and she caught up with me later.

The other day my mom and I ate a diner. I saw that they had a coloring kids menu. I know I'm officially an adult now, but I love coloring. I immediatley asked the waitress if I could get a kids menu. She looked at me kind of weird and brought one over, however she forgot the crayons. I asked her
"May I have some crayons please?"
Then she really looked at me weird and just left to get me some crayons. My mom said she was embarassed to be with me (and I don't blame her) but I love coloring. In fact, for my birthday I got two kids coloring books with a pack of crayons. It was my best (and only present). I started to color the kids menu as my mom sat there bored. I asked if she would like to color with me, which she did. I then asked for her opinion on which color to color spongebob, since there was no yellow crayon. She looked up at me and said,
"I'm not going to have a conversation with you about what color you should color Spongebob."
She put her head back down and continued to color until our meal came.

I haven't posted anything the past two days because I was away and couldn't. So here is me making up those two posts I missed. Yesterday I was at a hotel walking around and I came across a bunch of dandelions. When I was younger I would try so hard to blow all the white fuzzies off the dandelion in one blow but never could. This always really upset me because all my friends and family could easily do this but I never could. I would persistently keep on trying to blow the fuzzies off, yet after a 5-8 tries I would be out of breath and would just give up. Wondering if I would still encounter this problem now I took a deep breathe in and blew. I blew all the fuzzies off the dandelion in one blow! I was so happy. I started running around plucking dandelions and blowing the fuzzies off them.  I defeated my long childhood struggles and wanted to pluck every dandelion insight and blow the fuzzies off all of them. However, I eventually ran out of breath and decided I would another time.  

- missed someone so much that it's like missing a part of you. Like a limb was cut off but in your mind you still feel like it's there?

- just wanted the one person you love, love you back equally or stronger?