I Am Who I Am

“I don’t know what I should do.”

“Maybe you should just tell her…Telling the truth always work.”

“I can’t. She won’t look at me the same, Candice.”

“Listen, if you love her, you need to tell her. It’s better to tell her now so neither of you guys get hurt, Sean.

I can’t accept this. I know who I am, and this is not who I am. My girlfriend…Well my fiancé will expose me if I tell her. My mother seems proud that I finally found someone. But I’m not happy. I can’t be with someone who I’m not in love with. My name is Sean, and I am a 25 year old gay man and no one knows. I don’t like too say that I am gay because that’s not who I want to be. I love women, but I can’t find them appealing as I do with men. The only person who knows this is Candice. Candice is my best friend, and has been since college. I can’t accept who I am for multiple reasons. One being that I feel like I am doing something wrong. I know that I am doing something because when I watch television, there’s always someone judging someone who isn't heterosexual. Therefore, I too am being judged. Secondly, the places I’ve been and the environment that I grew up in do not accept gay men. All throughout my adolescent years, I went to a Christian school. I was taught that being gay was an abomination to God. Lastly, it goes against all my beliefs and I know that my parents would be highly disappointed in me. My father looks at me with so much pride in his eyes. I am the oldest of three boys. He told me that I am the example. I know my mother wouldn’t mind too much, but she would be upset that I’m not following God’s law.

“Yeah, you’re right Candy, but I know it’s not the time.”

“When is it ever the right time, Sean?”

“…Uhm is that a trick question?” We laughed

“You’re an asshole, but I gotta go. See you at work tomorrow.”

I love Candice. I think she’s the only person that I really can depend on. She loves me without a shadow of a doubt. She’s been there for me since day one. When I first came out to her, she was shocked, but excited. She told me that she always wanted a gay best friend. Surprisingly I wasn’t even offended by her comment.

“Candice, can I tell you something?”

“Yeah. Shoot.”

“What if I told you that I was gay...?”

“I would be excited! Are you?”

“Yes, I mean sort of...”

“Why do you say sort of?”

“Nevermind...”

That was freshman year of college. I couldn't believe I had finally told someone. I couldn’t even believe that I had told someone that I had only known for about four months.  was something about her that said I could trust her. She was so sweet, but yet so feisty. I loved that about her.

“Good Morning Adam!” I said as I walked into the office.

“Hello, Sean.”  He said with a chuckle and a wink.

Adam. Adam is my co-worker. He’s gay. Most of the people I work with are anti-gay. Adam was not one of them. If anything, Adam embraced who he was. I envied that, but it also made me attracted to him.  

“How’s life?”

“It’s good. Same old, same old.”

I was really thinking shitty as usual, but I wouldn't tell him that. You see, most of the people that I know that are gay are judged. If not by family, by society. No one seems to care or think that they, I mean we, too have feelings. Especially, my boss. His name is Aaron.

“Sean, In my office. Now.”

“Here I come, Sir.” I was nervous as I walked into his office.

“So...Can I have your work phone, please.

I couldn’t understand why he needed to see it, but I gave it to him anyway.

“Did you know that the messages you receive come to our database?”

“No...”

“Of course you didn’t. I’ve been looking through the computer and I saw a message that peaked my interest.”

“And what was that?” I said.

“Here you read it aloud for me.” He handed me the phone

“‘Hey you little gay bird lol’”

“Can you read the reply?”

I felt the tears in the back of my eyes. They were seconds from running down my cheeks. I knew this was coming, but I didn’t know that day would come so soon.

“I’m not reading anything else. Do you have a problem?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. You’re fired.”

“Why?”

“You’ve been late several times, and we don’t need you anymore.” He coughed out.

“Is that you’re way of saying it’s because I’m gay?”

I didn’t even mean for that to come out, but it did. Shit, I was proud of myself.

“...That’s not what I said.”

“You didn’t have to.” I said.

As I started to walk out his office, I heard him mumble, “Faggot.” Did he really just say that. The next thing I remember was me flipping over his desk. He deserved it. I didn’t notice all the attention, but I do remember the nest thing that came out of my mouth.

“I’m not a faggot, but I’ll say that I am a gay man.”

All heads turned. The two faces that caught my attention was Adam’s. He looked happy. Relieved to be exact. His face said the he always knew. The other’s was my fiance. She had a look of shame on her face. I didn’t want her to find out that way, but I couldn’t help myself.

Later on that day, I invited my fiance over. When I told her as to why I went along with the engagement, she was really calm about it. I could tell ther I had hurt her feelings, but I could also see that she was happy for me.

“I’m really sorry, Hun.”

“I still care about you, Sean. I’m really glad that you’re happy now.”

“I really appreciate that you care.”