Formula For Love

Posted by Alexis Mc Cormick in English 3 - Pahomov - C on Thursday, March 20, 2014 at 11:28 pm

“Change, the meaning is simple. To make the form, nature, content, future course, exstora, of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be, if left alone.” (Dictionary) Many things need to be changed, many things don’t; many things have changed, and many things haven’t. Change is hard to control. You can’t pick it up and shape it. You can’t move it from one place to another and you can’t just ignore it. Change happens for reasons whether they benefit a person or not. What about changing something about yourself? Sure you can change your looks, weight, and the way you think, but can you change the way your heart works? The feelings that come with it? Can you really change love? And if so, someone must show me the formula for that.

Taking my current relationship, no matter what happens I will always take my boyfriend back. My boyfriend, Michael, of three years. Now, three years is a long time, many things can happen in a matter of days so what about a matter of the years. Over the course of our relationship, Michael started to hang out with new people and with those new people, came new habits. Michael became a drug user. No matter what drug he took, he didn’t care about the effects. He didn’t care about losing his life, he didn’t care about losing me. Over and over again I would tell Michael to stop because he was going to hurt himself. He didn’t care and continued to do as he pleased. Breaking up with him did nothing because after every apology, I would take him back. The thing is, he still did the things that were tearing us apart. My relationship is like a roller coaster, there are always ups and downs, nothing goes as planned. Over the three years, I’ve been with Michael. I’ve been in situations where its either to stay or go. Because I care so much about Michael and I’m not ready to give him up, I continue to stay. Because of this I’ve taken people calling me a pushover. Though I’m not a pushover with everyone, when it come to Michael I’m a total different person.

“Im done!” No matter how loud I say it, how many times I say it, nor how I say it. I'm never sticking to it. I do see how I am a pushover. I continue to say “last chance” but I always give him chances more than he deserves. Michael knows me by now, and if I say “last chance”, he knows what to say to pull me right back into his trap again. And yes, I fall for it every time. Michael has me wrapped around his finger and he’s been playing a good game with that. The bad thing about this is, because I always take him back, he is always going to walk all over me.

It’s sad to say we broke up for many reasons, some important and some silly. In many situations, he was the person to do something wrong. Where I had my heart broken. No matter what, I would always try and push the situation in the back of my mind like nothing ever happened and try to move forward. It is like a cycle. I remember one time I told him to go home after we were hanging out one night. The last words that came out of my mouth were, “I love you, call me as soon as you get home and DON’T stop and talk to anyone”. Him being his normal self, tells me exactly what I want to hear and goes off. I waited up till four o’clock in the morning finally realizing that he’s out and not going to call. He calls me the next morning and tells me his mom fell asleep and his phone wasn’t charged so he had to sleep at his friends house. That was not the first time he used that excuse. I cried and complained and he said “I’m sorry I won’t do it again okay.” The following night I told him the same thing, and what does he do, leaves with a promise and “sleeps” over his friends house.

No matter what he does to me, my feelings will never change and I am starting to see that he may not be the best thing for me but I can never push myself to let go. I didn’t know what it is, I mean I'm a young girl who has a job, who is still in school and focusing on her studies and future. He’s the total opposite! Michael is not in school, because he dropped out at 9th grade, he does not have a job and is currently in a juvenile jail since August of 2013. Since day one, he pushed every button I had but I won't let him go. Since he was sent away a few males have been trying to talk to me.These boys were intelligent, handsome and well behaved, but nothing changed my mind about Michael. I don’t know what is going to change my feelings towards Michael.

It is time for me to open up my eyes and see what the world can offer me. So far life seems to help me out. Now lets see what else it can to. Though this didn’t happen yet, I need to find a guy that I see is worth my time. I need to find that guy who wouldn’t hold me back from my dreams. The guy who my parents actually like, although it doesn’t matter what they think because I’m the one who is in the relationship, but it still counts. Someone needs to show me good times, similar to what Michael and I had. Someone needs to walk into my life and show me the right way of being in love. And I need to let that person in!

Relationships can be very hard to handle. In my opinion, a relationships are not suppose to be perfect, nothing is perfect. There should be arguments, tears, and sometimes regrets. The way I always looked at relationships is that if its really meant to be. The two people will always come back to each other no matter what situation happened a day, a month, or a year ago. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes someone has to get hurt for them to learn. But what if they never learn? At the end of the day I don’t think I will never really be able to end it with Michael, no matter who comes into my life. Not because of how much love I have for him, but how much we’ve been through with each other. I have learned an existential amount of things about both myself and Michael and I hope one day I will be able to use all of the knowledge.