What I Speak is Who I Am.
Language is capable of many things. It can also affect relationships between people, and it can pull people apart, or it can pull people together. Language is communication. Communication is important because it can build a relationship and allow bonding. It’s very hard for me to communicate with my parents at home. What I speak represents who I am. Language is a part of my identity. They relate to each other because my parents often judge me about many things about myself.
Sometimes, I want to speak about something very important to my parents. For example, when I was around twelve years old, I remember being in school and my classmates always joked and talked about sex. Little did I know, I barely knew anything about sex. It confused me and I would sit around my friends laughing along as if I knew what they were talking about. I went home and as I opened my door, I went straight upstairs. I was still feeling confused and curious. I really wanted to learn more about how sex works. As I laid in bed, still in my school uniform, I assumed maybe my parents would know but I wondered who even asks their parents about sex? But I didn’t care because I feel like as a kid turning into a teenager, I have the right to know how sex works. I hopped off my bed and started walking downstairs. As my hand touched the railing, I stopped after I remembered how my parents won’t even understand me even if I attempt to talk about it to them about that. My mom has a very hard time speaking english. She understands more than she can speak. My dad can pronounce fluently in english but he does not understand the type of vocabulary that I use. I slowly felt a bit gloomy that I am not able to communicate to my parents as much as I would like. I turned around on the steps and walk backed into my room. As I walked back up, I also thought to myself “How can I ever open up to mom and dad if they won’t even understand me? What if I need to speak to them about something really important but they won’t understand me...?”
My younger cousin goes through a very similar problem that I do. His name is Cody, he is four years old. He visited me during winter break. It was 10:00 PM, my dad was driving my family in the car to the restaurant we were meeting up with Cody’s family. I felt the excitement of just seeing my dearest little guy that I miss so much. I stared out of the window, it was dark and cold but I was daydreaming about all things I want to do with Cody and how much I want to hear him talk to me. When I arrived, I saw Cody running towards me. I knelt down and we embraced. Reunited after two years, I was the happiest cousin ever. He was a bit heavier, a little taller, his face looked slimmer but he was still that sunshine I always loved. The first thing I asked him was “có đói em?” I asked him if he was hungry in Vietnamese. Cody gave me a clueless look as if I was speaking in a completely different language that he was never exposed to. I was very confused and Cody just stared at me. I repeated the question again, but in English this time. He answered ‘yes’ and ran off to his dad. I was concerned, so I walked over to Cody’s mom. She was sitting nearby the dinner table chatting with my mom. I asked her “Does Cody know how to speak Vietnamese?” Cody’s mom answered, “No, he doesn’t. He’s been spending too much time at the daycare, they only speak English there, he totally forgot how to speak Vietnamese at home” I was shocked. I looked over at him, I saw him sitting on my Grandmother’s lap, and she had a confused look. I figured that Cody was talking to her in English but she did not understand him at all. This is going to affect his relationship with my grandparents because they won’t be able to understand each other since my Grandmother only speaks and understands Vietnamese. This matters because bonding is when you spend a lot of time with someone and try to learn to attach with each other. But how can they both grow together when they won’t be able to properly communicate to each other?
There’s so many complications with language because it really affects my relationship with my parents. Because with language comes with culture. They look down on me, and they’re ashamed that their Vietnamese, Chinese and Cambodian girl cannot speak her own language at home as fluent and as perfect as they wish. There’s multiple times when my mom would say to me “It’s ashamed that you’re bad at speaking Vietnamese, it’s who you are, you need to be more fluent” I even feel stripped from my true identity because of my mom’s selfishness of being insecure who she really is. My mom wants me to embrace being Vietnamese by speaking it fluently but why can’t I embrace being Cambodian? I remember when I was sitting in my living room. Lights were dimmed, I was relaxed on my couch. My fingers were tracing upon my ipod touch as my entertainment. I felt a little sleepy. I started to remember as I looked at my family’s portrait of my mother wearing a long wedding dress, my father in a tuxedo. My mom is sitting in a chair as my dad is standing behind holding her right hand up. I asked my dad, who was standing near the dinner table reading bills; “What was my Grandpop like, dad?” My mother never talked about her dad. I always asked her about him when I was younger but she never gave me a real answer. My dad answered with a sigh as he looked over at me “He’s cambodian, that’s all your mother ever told me”. It hit me after a minute. I realized my entire life, apart of my identity was stripped. I speak vietnamese, I eat vietnamese food, I celebrate vietnamese holidays with my family, I am half vietnamese and chinese. Now, I have discovered I am a fourth cambodian and just a fourth vietnamese and half chinese. But why is that, inside of me, I feel like I’m full vietnamese? I felt angered. It’s got to have something to do with speaking vietnamese. What I speak is who I am. I always feel like being apart of a certain culture, it’s required to know that language. It shows your background, who you are, a slice of your identity.This isn’t who I want to be though. I don’t speak Chinese or Khmer. I speak Vietnamese and English. Therefore I am an Asian-american, my ethnicity is Vietnamese.What I speak is who I am. Everyone has a different point of view no language and how much it matters to that person. There is so much to language. Language is a big part of this world.
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